Grande Burrito

2006-07-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

What better way to send a message than with the Glitter-o-matic Text 2000! Now, even violent death threats can be cute, trendy, and (most importantly) glittery! Call 1-800-MINDLESS-SHINY- THINGS to reserve your copy today!

2006-07-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair.

2006-07-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

“I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people. Ironically, they all want to be penguins.”

Comedian Bob Saget was taking in a showing of "March of the Penguins" when his buddy, producer David Permut, came up with the idea of doing a send-up of the hit documentary.

"The idea for this came organically," Saget says. "I was watching the 'March' movie at a screening at my friend's house, and I couldn't stop doing the voice-overs of the penguins, reminiscent of when I did the voices of the animals on the video show. My friend David Permut said, there's a great comedy movie in this!!"

THINKFilm got involved in what is now titled, "Farce of the Penguins," a comedic send-up of "March of the Penguins." Production is now underway on the film with a release planned for the spring of 2006.

According to a statement issued by THINKFilm, Bob Saget will write, direct, produce, and will perform several of the voices in "Farce of the Penguins." The film will feature "spectacular and heartwarming wildlife photography" however the narrative and soundtrack will be R-rated.

THINKFilm President and CEO Jeff Sackman said, "The Penguin film, and wildlife films in general, have been so hugely popular lately, that they can certainly use some serious spoofing.
Bob's unique ability to take sweet, clean-cut material and turn it upside down and inside out is second to none, and I can't wait to see him 'flip the bird' to the entire genre."

Bob Saget is one sick little man. But oddly enough, his perverse mind and vulgar ways (see his "Conan O'Brien appearance") somehow make him that much more loveable. Just how does he do it? Is the Saget using his mind-tricks to toy with an entire nation. And the answer is...Yes! Bob Saget Is God.com

2006-07-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

The human body is the best picture of the human soul.

Charo, and her world famous "Chuchi Chuci" *insert head scratchings here*

Bob Saget, giving himself the Heimlich maneuver. Oh, sweet joy.

Vince, the cutie from Entourage.

The Sagetizer once again, busting a move.

And my personal favorite, the "Lighten Up It's Just Fashion" Number a la Project Runway.

Hehe. My own, homemade Gifs. God I need a social life.

2006-07-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

May the man be dammed and never grow fat, who wears two faces under one hat.

Recent reports suggest that Kristie Alley, star of the now-deceased show Cheers and the should-be-deceased Fat Actress, has gone on a murderous killing spree outside of a Hollywood resturant. After failing to prepare the actress her requested meal (reportedly, they didn't have 50 lbs of fried filet mignon in stock), the cook was drenched with a supersoaker containing Alley's stomach acid. Following his death, the hostess, waiter, and random thin customers were taken hostage for a short while...until Kristie got hungry and devoured them. As the out-of-control star continues to plague the city, squirting and killing some with her gun, consuming others, the death toll continues to climb to staggering amounts.

2006-07-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

"What does it take for a girl to impress you?"
"Well, it usually involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place."

Since I just spent a good amount of my time in the wonderful state of Florida (which is actually my birthplace- Bethesda Memorial in Boynton Beach), I should probably tell of my many misadventures there, considering this could be considered a journal and I could be considered the journal-author. So, what exactly happened? Besides learning of the wonders of Shoneys,

Publix,

And the pure splendor that is Mr. Pibb,

Not much really went on. No, there was no romping in Disney World or Sea World or Islands of Adventure or Space Camp or any other major amusement park that we were a mere couple hours away from. Most of the time was spent with family (enter warm, fuzzy "aww" here). Which was okay, I guess, but we were in FREAKIN FLORIDA!! And we didn't even go to Disneyworld! Is that even morally right? Did we break some kind of unspoken law? Well, if our town is suddenly afflicted with a plague of locusts, I will know why...and that Moses apparently loves Magic Kingdom.

Space mountain, to be exact. (Aren't my image editing skills just superb? :P)

2006-07-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

My favorite commercials on television now:

It's the random Asian guy at the end...he always gets me.

And, although it's not recent, pretty much my favorite commercial EVER:

2006-06-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

I done eat so many fish, my stommick rises and falls wit' the tide.

Bless our Florida vacation, oh Lord we pray,
Please keep us safe every day.
Bless the weather, the clouds, the sun,
May the rain not keep us from fun.
Bless the lines in traffic we'll wait,
May we always behave like a saint.
Help us especially to try not to fuss,
When so many are in line ahead of us.
Bless our wallet, our credit cards too,
May we have enough money to visit the zoo.
Florida is such a great destination, Lord,
Please make it one THAT WE CAN AFFORD!

Oh those old folks at home.

2006-06-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

" A nose, kind sir! Sure, Mother Nature,
With all her freaks, never formed this feature.
If such were mine, I'd try and trade it,
And swear the gods had never made it."

According to online news reporters and countless mags, Ashlee Simpson (yes, the coattail-riding, lip syncing, screaming banshee celeb) has gotten her pretty-close-to-Lilliputian nose bump removed, after she reportedly exclaimed her opposition to plastic surgery to Cosmo. Not only that, but she also underwent an eye-lift, chin surgery, and limp plumpening (not to mention the wonderful tangerine tinted skin).

So, what is my opinion on the matter? Well, I think she really needs to focus on fixing her singing rather than her physical appearance. Observe.

As one 'critic' put it so gently: "This *Censor* can't sing, period. I hope she uses her new nose to o.d. and die on coke."

Oh, don't we all folks. Don't we all.

2006-06-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

"France, famed in all great arts, in none supreme."

Symbologists often remarked that France- a country renowned for machismo, womanizing, and diminutive insecure leaders like Napoleon and Pepin the Short- could not have chosen a more apt national emblem than a thousand-foot phallus.

2006-06-13T16:04:00.001-07:00

"To shake your rump is to be environmentally aware."

Ok. I'm attempting to learn the entire dance from Micheal Jackson's Thriller. You know- just in case a time in my life calls for the dance to be done, I shall sleep easier knowing that I can step up to the plate and do my part...dancing Thriller...whatever here's the video:

And here's the song url for good measure: Thriller

2006-06-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

"Adrenalin dispels boredom. Run, you sufferers from ennui! Run for your lives!"

"Clint, is that Aaron Patinio?
It is, Todd.
Clint, I feel like singing to him.
Take it, Todd.
Not right now, Clint, I said I feel like singing."

Why aren't they famous? It's a shame, really. (P.S. No, they are not gay. Just extremely confident in their masculinity...or so I've heard...I don't know...)

2006-06-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

"At its best New Wave/punk represents a fundamental and age-old Utopian dream: that if you give people the license to be as outrageous as they want in absolutely any fashion they can dream up, they'll be creative about it, and do something good besides."

I think I've acquired this random obsession with Billy Idol, at least for the moment. Do let me share it with you.

Why is this? To be frank, I (once again) have no idea. Apparently I am losing control over my own thoughts and opinions. I mean, Billy Idol is a pretty mediocre singer, when it comes down to it. Okay- he does that lip thing that's half elvis-wannabee and half downright-delectable, but is that really all it takes for me to like his music? Lips have nothing to do with singing...oh...wait. But, if I'm pouring my soul out to nobody at the moment, I must confess that he's not the only bleach-blonde 'punk' I've been infatuated with over the years:

God, I'd forgotten how much I loved that show. Voila- Spike (check out those CHEEKBONES!!) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show has long since been abandoned in the depths of my spacious and convoluted mind (teehee). What a wonderful program that was. The writing, in my opinion, has yet to be matched by any current show on television.

"What does a girl have to do to impress you?"
"Well, it involves a feather boa, and the theme to "A Summer Place.""

Do they have reruns anymore? Just looking up quotes for this site is bringing back waves of happy memories in which I would spend hours of my day (which I should have been devoting to homework...chores...babysitting my siblings...bathing...nothing important, anyway)...watching it on FX (and occasionaly on UPN, when a brand-new episode would initiate squeals of delight and merry chatter to everyone in a near proximity). I should buy some DVDS of it. But that would require money and ambition and remembering and what was I saying?

Okay. So Brad Pitt would definetly not be classified as a 'punk,' but his hair is bleach blonde (and totally nastly looking for him, if you ask me).

Download these Billy Idol songs, so that way my mania will be slightly assuaged knowing that I passed it on to others...I mean OR ELSE!

#1
#2
#3

2006-06-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

"Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."

Thank you, Youtube, for hitting the nail on the head when it comes to the bane of my existance. Keep up the good work.

2006-06-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

"A film is a petrified fountain of thought."

In the hours of mindless staring blankly at a computer screen, I've come across a duo of amateur film makers that I believe need some recognition. I give you, Barats and Bereta:

Luke Barats and Joe Bereta are students at the great Gonzaga university and have been streaming their neophytical yet extremely entertaining videos at http://www.youtube.com and their own person website. I advise that you drop any trivial and insignificant task you are doing and go to these sites immediately. Observe their flawless comedic timing, as they "go long for Jesus" in The Good Word. Or when a simple picture for a maternal figure goes terribly wrong in Happy Mother's Day. Or when a tennis-shoe-clad ninja battles against modern conventions in Ninja Rap. All wonderful, all hilarious, and all must-see-films that you must see (being redundant, I know). Plus, if you post in the forum on their site, you have a good chance of actually getting a reply from one or both of the young geniuses themselves. So Go!

In unrelated news...

Has anyone else noticed that in the band AFI (which I dislike immensely, by the way), there's two 'normal looking' guys and two 'sissy EMO' looking guys? Just felt like pointing out the oddity of it. It's reminds me of ZZ Top: you know, two bearded guys and the random third guy that looks like he just got lost and wound up in the band. It's like that.

How Good is YOUR hearing?

2006-06-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

"A good old man, sir, he will be talking; as they say, 'When the age is in, the wit is out."

I've recently read a very interesting article about age and hearing limit. As you all know (or should know, rather), hearing does diminish as one gets older and inches closer to the great beyond. Using this truth, some teenagers-with nearly perfect hearing- have been using an extremely high frequency sound wave for their ringtones that only other teens (but not teachers, of course) can hear. The cut-off range for being able to hear this sound is around 25 years of age.
Of course, when I first heard this news, I was somewhat skeptical. I mean, I realize adults' hearing 'ain't what it used to be,' but I just assumed it meant they couldn't hear things as loudly, but could still hear as high frequencies as the young folk. For you, my humble readers (if there are any out there, which I tend to doubt from time to time), I present you with this mp3 file:

Noise?

Now, what do you hear? If you are much older than 25 or have a poor auditory sense, you probably just hear ambient street noises- cars, girls giggling, shuffling of feet, etc. However, for the younguns, you may hear an incredibly high-pitched, pulsating noise (that seriously makes your head throb...believe me).

Isn't that interesting? I guess I've never really considered that there was a 'cut-off' for the frequency one is able to detect. For me, my stop was at around 20,000 hz. To find your end, check out this site.

2006-06-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

"Tis the last rose of summer
Left blooming alone;
All her lovely companions
Are faded and gone"

This is officially the first day of summer for me. And you know what that means...

2006-06-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

"Music I heard with you was more than music, and bread I broke with you was more than bread."

Just What I Needed
Toreador from Carmen
Impossible Dream
Funkytown
White Wedding
Pop Muzik
What is Love
Sunshine of my Life
Drunken Lullabies

I have the most random taste in music, don't I?
P.S.: These are songs I posted the urls for so I could upload them onto my hardrive from their urls. Thank you.

2006-06-06T19:08:00.002-07:00

"A turkey is more occult and awful than all the angels and archangels. In so far as God has partly revealed to us an angelic world, he has partly told us what an angel means. But God has never told us what a turkey means. And if you go and stare at a live turkey for an hour or two, you will find by the end of it that the enigma has rather increased than diminished."

2006-06-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hecks yeah.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

2006-06-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

"Let you hold in mind, girls, that your beauty must pass
Like a lovely white clover that rusts with its grass.
Keep your bottoms off barstools and marry you young
Or be left�an old barrel with many a bung."

Here's one quick post before I go and finish my chemistry homework *groan.*

I've been hearing a lot lately of this "most beautiful woman in the world" business. A little while ago, on 60 minutes (which, mind you, I do not usually watch), they had a segment on the "most beautiful woman in the world." Being naive and completely ignorant to modern beauty, I hoped to see a bio of the lovely Grace Kelly, Ingrid Bergman, Elizabeth Taylor, Rita Hayworth, Marilyn Monroe, or even Helen of Troy for that matter- just someone who is known to be renouned for their beauty. But, alas, I was quite mistaken. Instead, 60 minutes introduced somewhat of a nobody to the western world: a 32 year old woman named Aishwarya Rai.

So, who is this Bollywood beauty? To be frank, I have absolutely no clue. But she seems pretty enough. Enough to be the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps. Sure. Why not. I won't argue. But then again...

And not to be forgotten:

I'll let you be the judge. After all, beauty is supposedly subjective. But is it? Or is it all a mathmatical formula/balance? A golden ratio/mean?

Who cares!

2006-06-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

I like cows,
Cows like me.
I want to start a cow family.
If I had a cow,
I would name it John,
and make it leave presents on my neighbor's lawn.

2006-06-01T16:59:00.000-07:00

Shakespearen Pie

A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How, alas, poor Yorick's jokes drew groans
He'd dance and sing and kiss my hand
Like Elsinore was Neverland
But then he went and joined the Skull and Bones

And now, Horatio, I get shivers
With every line the ghost delivers
All the Globe has been dark
'Cause something rots in Denmark

I can't recall a thing as weird
As when - dear old Daddy - reappeared
To say that he'd been incense-eared
The day King Hamlet died

So...
To - be - or to choose not to be?
That's the question I'm digestin' in my so-lil-o-quy
& When fortune aims its slings and arrows at me
Tell me how I'm gonna live through Act III?
Answer, please, iambically

Did you like Shakespeare in Love?
And did you rewind for scansion of
Gwyneth with her wardrobe gone?
Now, do you believe in English Lit?
Is brevi-ty the soul of wit?
If so then why's this bloody play - so - long?

Well, I know this role has real cachet
For each Branagh and Olivier
Mel Gibson draws blood nice
Man, I dig that Passion of Christ!

I was a young, great Dane in British schools
With my pet Ophelia and a dad who RULES
But I knew we'd - been played for fools
The day King Hamlet died

So here's the question:
To - be - or choose rather to be
Suicidal or to idle apathetically,
Or IS volition all it's cracked up to be
If "to die, to sleep, to dream" is love-ly?
Um, explain the question to me...

Less than TWO MONTHS since the obit ran
And Lord knows, frailty, thy name's wo - man:
My dumbass uncle wears Dad's ring
So I set the stage for a royal sting
What a script! I thought, The play's the thing
Where I'll catch - the conscience of the king

Oh, and while the king enjoyed the show
The players showed him whack his bro
The king stomped off and cried
O!!! J. yelled Homicide!

So Let's Make a Deal, Queen Mother, who
Is bee-hind curtain number two?
How now, a rat? I sliced him through
The day Polonius died

I was thinking...
To - be - or to go with Plan B?
Is it nobler just to soldier on Shakespeareanly
Or fly off to - the undiscovered coun-try?
Frickin' conscience makes a coward of me
Get me to a fun nunner-y

Hanky panky? Nope, Ophelia's cranky
Could she be ticked that I nailed that Yankee?
Maybe 'cause I knifed her daaaaaad?
She shouted Foul! in her wrath:
You'll never tread on my primrose path!
(Guess my joke 'bout "country matters" made her mad)

Now, the nymph went nutso north-northwest
Went'n' took a swim completely dressed
She sank just like a ship
So-o-o - here's the moral: skinny-dip!

Poor Laertes missed his tour de France
But, merde, this ain't no cheap romance
(Ask Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)
The day Ophelia died

And I was thinking...
To - be - or to other-than-be?
That's the question - screw depression - death sounds painless to me
This too too solid flesh should melt melt like brie
And resolve into a fondue - yum-my!
Serve it with some crumpets and tea

Oh, and there we were all in one place
Equipped with poison, swords, and Mace
With Fortune there to shape our ends
So come on - fence me nimble, fence me quick
Back-scratch me with your tainted prick
'Cause - Fie! - Bet your ass we're foiled again

So Laertes and I both got poked
Mom drank New Toxic Carb-Free Coke
The king was S.O.L.
Thus ends his sworded tale:

I said, My name ees Hamlet Junior, guy
You keeled my dad; prepare to die
(Yep, I stole that from The Princess Bride)
The day King Claudius died

I was thinking...
To - be - or choose alternately?
That's the question I'm pro-cessin' in Scene I of Act III
To end these shocks - or bear 'em heart-achingly,
Quoting Sonnet Number 73?
(That one's too depressing for me)

[Soft you now]

I met a girl named Juliet
And her boyfriend, whose name I forget
(What's in a name, man, anyway?)
I led Othello to his death
And made life a bitch for King Macbeth
Till the Bard said, Dude, you're in a different play

So meanwhile back at Elsinore
A bunch of guys - come to mop the floor
It's Fortinbras's legions
I guess we're now Norwegians

And the three co-stars I riled most:
Laertes, Mom, and King Claudi-os
Went off to hang with Daddy's ghost
The day that Hamlet died

I see dead people...

To - be - or choose oppositely?
Are we tougher if we suffer indefatigably
Or take up arms against a turbulent sea
Of the troubles fortune's slinging at me?
Screw it - let's go watch some TV

We were thinking...

[All:]
To - be - or to not freaking be
That's the question we're obsessin' 'bout interminably
But as for us, the answer's clear: NOT TO BE
Caught in THIS Shake-spear-e-an trag-e-dy!

2006-05-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

It feels like I never have anything interesting to say. It feels like my whole world is slipping away...I'm just kidding. It doesn't feel like that. I just went into a moment of pseudo-depression in order to produce a rhyming couplet (and I succeeded, so bravo to moi). But, in all reality, I am never good with online journals. I will constantly forget them, and when I do have time to write in them, I find myself at a loss of words or anything original to say. I find myself mumbling incoherently, like this guy might be:

Nothing against this guy, but he looks like he's in the midst of an incoherent mumble. Am I right? Well, of course. And what's with the Diet Coke? Be a man! Drink sugary beverages filled with sugary sugar. I do not trust a man who does not trust the sugar (yes, the sugar- when something is very significant in my life, it aquires an unnecessary article). Anyway, thank goodness for people out there who are mumbling to themselves, for there's no better audience in the world then yourself. Partly because you understand your own mind, and partly because it's quite difficult to throw rotten vegetables at yourself when you dislike your jokes. But hey. I could be wrong. I reccommend everyone try it.

I just googled images for "rotten tomatoes" and got many random images of a scantily clad Selma Hayek, a french family dressed up for Halloween:

And, of course, what google search for decaying vegetables is complete without a random pose from the Caped Crusader, Batman:

Is this some sort of a sign? A coming apocolypse, perhaps. Well, I will be prepared before the rest, just because of my interest in the rotting plants of the world. (Don't believe me about the images I found....just try it.)

2006-05-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth;
But the earth was empty and filled with darkness, so
God said, Let light be! And there was light.

And God said. "Hey. That works."

Todays random pledge goes out to: Light. Invented in part by Thomas Alva Edison, Humphry Davy, Alessander Volta, and, of course, the Big Guy up there, good ole' God:

Or:

Or:

One Day I may Actually Get to Post In This...

2006-05-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

One Day I may Actually Get to Post In This...

But that day is not today!

2006-05-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

This will all be changed, my friends. So, sit and wait. A lot.